I’m not entirely sure how to start this, so I guess I’ll just jump into it? Why not? Here goes.
I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety since I was eleven. Various traumatic life events contributed to these getting worse as I got older, things I will not go into here. Fast-forward to last year, when I made the choice to move over a thousand miles away from pretty much everyone I knew and my strongest source of support. At first, I felt like it was the best decision I had ever made. I was finally setting out on my own. It was at an embarrassingly later age than I would have liked, but it was still happening. And then more changes happened. That was when depression and anxiety kicked in full force.
I’ve been on several different medications at this point and have discovered I have medication-resistant major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, PTSD, and OSDD. Occasionally, I will have a day where I am great. No depression, anxiety, nothing. I’m crazy productive, I’m positive, I sleep well, don’t have any fatigue. I would say in a good week it’ll be one out of seven days that happens. And that’s a good week. Usually, I am super low in physical energy (definitely not mental, though! *eye twitch*), I’m exhausted and sleepy but can rarely nap, I’m so anxious it feels like my insides are rattling, and depressed enough that I have some pretty dark thoughts.
All of this has had a severe effect on my writing, to the point where I don’t even feel like I can call myself a writer because I’m not even doing the craft. Even doing school stuff is a struggle. I’m supposed to be doing podcast stuff, and that’s been…lacking, to say the least. My house is more often a mess than not, and I’m really wrestling with my faith and what I believe. I feel forgotten and ignored. And honestly, I feel like I’ve been abandoned by the one thing/person who was supposed to be there even when no one else is. I’m also incredibly, incredibly lonely. I’m doing things to get out and be around people, but it’s exhausting to mask all the time. And it’s deeper than just wanting people. I want my person, who will be there when I need a hug, or to just lay with me when I’m sobbing in bed, and who will also celebrate those amazing happy days with me.
Do I regret moving to SC? Yes, and no. I left my tribe. I think I am slowly building one here, but it’s nothing like my NH loves. I know Zoom is a thing, and we’ve done that, but in person, physical fellowship just can’t be beat. Here, though, I feel like my own person, for better or worse. Plus, I moved my dad down here into his own place and I have not seen him this happy since before my mom died. That is a huge reason why I’m not sorry I moved.
Two weeks ago, I was at the lowest I’ve been since I was in my twenties. I was out doing errands, depression and anxiety heightened like crazy for some reason, and was thinking about an easy way to end it when I got home. Obviously, that didn’t happen, but it came close. Thanks to the well-timed call from a dear friend who sat in the call with me for 20 minutes while I ugly cried, I was okay. My therapist threatened hospitalization, but I’m doing all I can to avoid that.
So, what am I doing to help myself? Aside from therapy, I attend a mental-health support group every week, and this coming Monday I am having an assessment done for an intensive outpatient program that will likely suck big time, but I also know is necessary. I also have a sweet baby girl kitten who has been highly sensitive to my moods since she was only a few months old. When she knows I’m too upset, or switchy, or dissociating, she runs into the room and yells at me, or crawls up on my chest and makes me focus on her. I have had cats in the past whom I have loved, but Luna is legitimately a God-send.
I’m sure some people reading this are wondering why I decided to write this, least of all post it on such a public forum. Well, I’m doing it as a way of both explanation and apology. I owe my readers an apology. You’ve been waiting for book five for far too long. I remember making promises to several of you at different signings that I will not be a Martin and abandon the series. I don’t intend to break that promise. I owe an apology to my podcast cast for making this whole process take way longer than it should. And I owe an apology to friends and family. I haven’t been my genuine self with anyone for a very long time. Masking is something I do without even thinking about it, because I’m so afraid of being too much, too often.
Anyway, that’s where I am. I want to tell you that I’m going to turn it around, starting today. That I’m going to bust out a chapter or an episode this weekend. I’d love to be able to tell you I’m going to be in a better space next time we talk or see each other. The truth of the matter, however, is that this is something that’s going to take me time to work through. Please continue to be patient with me. I’m doing my best. Somedays that looks like cleaning a room of my house, making an actual meal, or even getting some writing done. Somedays, it looks like laying on the couch alternating between crying, watching something on tv, or playing Animal Crossing. Some days it’s just sleeping. I’m doing what I can. It’s a day at a time right now. Sometimes it’s an hour or a minute at a time. But I’m doing my best.
If you made it this far, thank you. I appreciate you.